Exclusivity

I hate this. I'm angry, and sick, and it burns.

This time, containing it doesn't help. Doesn't help when I'm sitting across somebody's table and unfortunately overhearing (how could I not?) several variations of fun plans for "another community dinner...but without the 'community', you know, more exclusive, so we can eat more food", and the knowing sideways glances that go with it. Honestly, I couldn't believe it at first, and the anger was the only bulwark I had to check the words fighting to spill out. Way to remind that me and mine are only extra bodies in this communal gathering, making food that people aren't even showing up for. I know very well who the "community" is. I don't expect to be treated like a long-lost twin. I never worked at Wawona and I didn't grow up with them and I'm not attractively charismatic. I'm also aware that Ben broke the rules by trying his best to include us in the circle of people he loves, and by Sheol I'm tired of hearing about his "affair." I also wish my hearing wasn't quite as sharp as it is.

I'm not cut out to make friends easily, but I wish to God I was. And I ask myself, why in the world do I care so much?. It's because I look at some of these people and think, in another life, we would have been good friends. Why can't we be? Because I only have this life, and it's short. But no, everybody already has their friends, has no desire to leave their small, comfortable niche. Can nobody see that the world is bigger than this? I don't pretend to be the world. But I want mine to resonate with all types of music. Whomever lies at the core, it should never stop growing. Unless you're dead, and I have no interest in dying. Not yet. My heart-sis says I'm trying too hard. Perhaps. But it's important to me.

God help me, I hope that nobody, and but nobody, after being around my people for half this long, feels this alienated. Was any of it malicious? Perhaps not. I think they just don't care, which is worse. And now, I'm done.