gotta have more cowbell

People say you can't miss what you never had.

As usual, people are wrong.

With the apartment mostly packed tonight, and my pillow jammed under my head, I can finally sit back and just listen to the quiet. I can also feel the introspective melancholy part of my character stirring. The choleric has had free reign today, to try and make order out of all this chaos, and now it's time to put my thoughts back in place.

I don't imagine my head to be this orderly, file-cabinet system, either. If I were to think about it, which I usually don't but obviously am doing al momento, I see more of a lived-in room with a fireplace and huge doors open to the wilderness. Lots of green and brown, some blue. It's comfortable, and slightly messy--you know, desk chair pulled out, book on the bed, shirt on the chair, pens and paper and sheet music scattered on the desk, and climbing shoes hanging off the hammock. I guess this is where I go when I need to rest. I wonder what an extrovert's head looks like?

Hmm. I just realized I like my mind. What an odd thing.

But anywho, I was laying here thinking about the past year. There are so many engagement pictures on our fridge that my bucket list has been almost covered. I was absentmindedly staring at them, and thinking about my dear friends who will be engaged soon...and I quietly asked God, in my heart, why I was still alone, when it's not good for us to be alone. And I just realized as I sit here that this is the first semester I've had where I wasn't either in the grip of first attraction to somebody, or crushed into tiny pieces because something wasn't enough. And usually in that order. Truth; the first part of first semester was rocky, and I still hurt over the pain I've inadvertantly caused, but this year was emotionally free for me and for that I can be grateful. Might not sound like much of an epiphany, but for me, it's big. I can wait. Though I still miss kissing. And there's something about twining your fingers with somebody else's thats just so darn...reassuring. Relaxing. Undemanding. Listen to me wax eloquent, oh my people. And so on, and so forth.

But the biggest thing on my mind tonight is...where in heck am I supposed to find a cowbell to ring at Bec's graduation? It was a solemn vow I swore our sophomore year of high school, and here I am, days away and still no cowbell. I gotta have more cowbell.

Anybody got a cowbell???

not-quite-midnight rambles

The apartment above us is taking advantage of the semester being over to blast their movie to decibels that are most likely offending the ear of God. I fully agree with those who say that the biggest proof of intelligent life in the universe is that it is NOT trying to contact us...I submit the people upstairs are blocking their communications with the racket.

Semester...over. Now, I could blog pages about the vertigo induced by realizing that Bec and I will never live together again. And that I'm going to be starting my last year at Southern. And that I missed out on a lot of neat opportunities this semester because I let myself get in the way. Suffice it to say, I feel "adrift with no life vest."

Now, for me, that is actually a terrifically comfortable state, as I can float and/or sleep in the water in just about any position for hours with minimal effort (freaky mutant genes or something. Or maybe body fat). But the point is that I haven't put effort into anything except studying, and that even halfheartedly.

I don't want to drift. I want to dive. I want to outrace the waves. I don't want to stagnate. I want change. I want to be the change.

While we're at it, I want a Puerto Rican pina colada, too. And some corn starch. Ponies are overrated.

Went to Guian's art show tonight. A crazy bunch of awesomely talented people, and I know that they have more fun on the second floor of Brock than most people have in a lifetime. And the show itself was such a composite of talent that I left smiling, and still haven't lost it yet. I love beautiful things--they awe me.

Oh, listen to that. The sound upstairs just increased. When I can hear the dialogue, then we've got a problem. But I guess I should be grateful to them, because they're helping to teach me things like patience, courtesy, and the thrill of stepping outside of my typical reserve to go upstairs and tell them to pipe down already. The last lesson being the most satisfying.

Goodbye, Southern. I'll be glad to see you next year, but summer is calling me. But I'll be back...one more time. This is the longest I've ever been in one school. Actually, the longest I've ever been in school period. Thank you, homeschooling. High school, I disliked you. College...sweet.
Of course, unless I get bit by something poisonous in Indonesia, or stung by another sting ray and want to die (no, but really), or get nailed by a krait (in which case I'll be dead and this blog will become sadly ironic).
If this IS my last blog, I wish it had been more interesting, or had a point. Nope. It just rambles. It's rambling me right off to bed.

Ode for Becca

Work in progress. I started out trying to write her something serious, and meaningful, about all the deep sharing moments we've had...but the memories that spring to mind usually involve screaming, or laughing, or just absurdity. And I couldn't get this Sound of Music song OUT.

Dastardly crickets and stalkers at midnight
Blithely assuring my mom that it's all right
Broken curfew by our roommate who sings
These are a few of my favorite things

Fending off bears in a Yellowstone campsite
Finally convinced my jamaica is all right
Making odd babies and wishing for rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Flirting with Danny and Hoptai and Ben
Flirting with Anthony and generally men
Freezing in winter and soaking in spring
These are a few of my favorite things

Camping at Foster the night that we froze
Caught in a river without any clothes
Charcoaling flatbread and a myriad of things
These are a few of my favorite things

When the job bites
When the (Massive Evil Flying Bug) stings
When life's not so rad
I simply remember my long talks with Lyss
And then I don't feel sooooooo baaaaaad.

whistle while you work, or snarl, or something

I can't whistle.

Actually, I can now, kinda, but that's besides the point. For all intents and purposes, I have passed almost 22 years of life without being able to manage the smallest trill. Oh, not due to lack of trying.

What irks me is that, whenever I'm forced to admit I don't know how to whistle, I get the exact same response. Every. Single. Time.

"You can't whistle?" Their eyes get wide, as if unable to comprehend the sheer proposterity of the statement without an enlargement of the pupil. They may sit in stunned silence for up to, but not exceeding, 2.78 seconds. And then...wait for it...they purse their lips and give a loud whistle. Every single one of them. As if to say, Well, it's not that hard, look at this! You can't do this? It's so easy! What's wrong with you? And then expect you to look upon them with the same awe that would normally be due to the winner of the World's Fastest Hotdog Eater contest. And if you inadvertantly respond, as I have done, "Goshdarnit, I don't need a demonstration, I've tried and I don't really care if I learn or not," they look at you like a hamster just snarled at them. Which makes me chortle and almost, but not quite, restores my good humor.

Oh, and I did learn. A month or so ago (probably longer) I'd spent the entire Sabbath with some friends of mine that I usually don't spend a whole lot of quality time with, and I was exhausted (mentally. because flaming extroverts tend to sap your energy), so I headed outside, away from all of them, and just leaned against the side of Maple with my head back and breathed.

As I did, I began to think about whistling, as one of those episodes described above had just occurred, and I got mad. I thought, Why do I care? Why doesn't it work? And then, Screw this, I'm going to try it my way. Now, logically, if I were to make a sharp, piercing sound come out of my mouth, how would I do it?

And it worked. First time. Speech therapy actually came in handy.

It's amazing what you can do if you say screw it and just try as hard as you can. Maybe unethical and makes my mom flinch, but it works.

Welcome, finals week. I hate you. You are the only thing that stands between me and the freedom of summer. Well, you and Tropical Biology and a month or so of studying for the MCAT. But you are the one who is killing my buzz right now. I don't want to study anymore.

Screw it.

...

Hope.

God gives me hope.

That one, short sentence sums up everything I'm feeling and yet doesn't even touch the depth of it. Bewilderment, and a sudden shocking joy, and a vindication I didn't know I was aching for. It's almost painful, the sudden rush of hope in a corner of my heart that's been empty this long.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

mine to me

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You sing my shame to rest and hold my secrets to your heart.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
I want to know your heart this well.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
Guard it, Abbi, for sometimes I cannot keep my rage in check.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
It chases away the chill of my uncertainty and gives me hope.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Even so, help me understand.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
Why would I want to? What would be left of me?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths of hell, you are there.
I've been there, and you are there...

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
Someday...someday.

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
And you have the strongest grip I've ever known...

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
When depression floods lungs and threatens to suck me under...

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
You chase the dark corners out of my soul.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Do I make your eyes smile?

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My heart leaps within me for joy when I see your fingerprints.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
How can I hate myself when you call me Lovely?

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
You know what will be, and you still have hope for me...how can I have any less?

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Your voice in my soul is like music.

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
Because you promised I'd never be alone again.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
There's so much pain here, Abbi.

They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Help me tell them who you really are.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
Although this sometimes means I hate myself.

I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
But I know you still see their hearts.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
I hate this bleak uncertainty.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Even so, come, Lord Jesus!

Psalms 139

inhibitions? i submit no.

WARNING: the following tale of our Saturday adventure should be rated something, probably PG 40, for suspense and nudity. So, if these things bother you, I suggest hitting that little red X in the right-hand corner of your screen, and living your life in happy ignorance. But this is the funniest thing that's happened to me all year, so if you continue, be ye warned. I'm trying to keep it as kosher as it can be.

"I'm not getting in, guys. Especially not naked."
"Aw, c'mon, Marthie. You know you'll want this memory forever." Bec kept trying to persuade our friend to come down to the edge of the bluffs, all the while still looking rather uncertain herself as I slid down the rocks to the edge of the river. She often gets that look when she's following me. It was cool, but in a delicious sort of way, and as they made their way down to where I was, they had to avoid the jean and tank top trail I left behind me.

Have to admit, dark water is not my cup of tea. It takes me a while to nerve up and actually jump in--and it helped that the rock I was crouching on made me lose my footing and fall in anyway. Wasn't quite brave enough to shed the last essentials, not with people in sight distance. Because, get this; what we didn't realize when we first got there was that there was a family in a boat just around the corner from us, and I'm pretty darn positive their move across the river was because they heard us talking about stripping and didn't want their little girl scarred for life. That's most likely why the husband kept his eyes ever-so-firmly fixed on the opposite bank. But that's just a guess.

So Bec finally comes and joins me in the water, also still clothed in the bare essentials, and Martha is just standing there in the shallows, watching us tread water two dozen feet out, looking at us like she thinks we're insane. I know she thinks we're insane, and then I prove her right. I've never seen her eyes so big before, and they got even wider when she had to dodge flying undergarments, followed by our hysterical, I-can't-believe-I'm-doing-this laughter.

(I have to take a moment to let you know that, as I'm typing this, I'm still laughing. The kind of laughter where tears start leaking out of your eyes because it's just so darn funny.)

If you've never gone skinny dipping, let me tell you, it's a wild time. I'm in love. But the whole time I couldn't help thinking about that little fish in the Amazon that...well, never mind. Let's just say I had some more adrenaline in my system than was warranted by being naked in a relatively public place, in broad daylight. Darn imagination.

We played in the water for probably twenty minutes, trying to get Martha to join us. I got pretty far out in the river at one point. I mean, it was almost sundown, not many boaters, who was going to come? But our persuasion had just started to work--she'd gotten her shirt off, at least--and then, we hear it. Male voices on the rocks above us. Lots of them.

I think I screamed. Softly. I mean, yeah, so the idea was funny, but did I actually want to get caught naked in the middle of a river? I submit NO.

Let me explain the geography for you. If we had headed straight back for the towels, there's no way in heck we would have made it. We would have been stuck, half out of the water, exposed to the harsh, cruel world. So we swim up under the bluff and try to become one with the rocks. I don't think I've ever swum that fast before. There was some hyperventilating going on, some panic, some muffled hysterical laughter, and we're just clinging to this rock and trying to hide, like Adam and Eve except not, we don't want an Adam, we want Adam to GO AWAY. We can actually see, through the bushes, about three guys come to the edge of the bluff. They say hi to Martha, and I'm thinking, oh no, I didn't actually want to get caught, what if they come down and jump in!? But they pull back from the top, and we're hissing at Martha and telling her to bring us our towels, but she can't because it's too deep for her to get over; and so she balls up our bras and underwear and chucks them at us.

They promptly get stuck in an overhanging tree about halfway there.

Yes, I know. Trust me, I know.

I see my favorite sports bra sinking, and I go, screw this, I like that one, and I leave the rock, simultaneously trying to rescue my dignity and protect my virtue at the same time, fishing for my clothing and craning my neck to see if anybody's looking. Let me tell you, trying to do all this, and keep your head above water, while pulling on undergarments at the same time...hysterical.

I eventually flail enoughh to get Bec's stuff out of the crazy tree and tossed it back to her, and she goes through the same contortions to get it back on while staying hidden, and we finally...finally...got back to the towels. And up the rock. And past the newly set up camp of the four guys who interrupted our swim. If they hadn't decided to set up before they swam...if Martha had already been in the water...if we hadn't swum to the rocks like Jaws was chasing us...Oh. My.

Best college memory EVER.

what do you say...

we're taking a gamble on taking chances
so don't stop that step you dream of making
leave off turning down the offered dances
even when solitude leaves you shaking
When shoulders are cold and stars are colder
guess this means I'm getting older
the gamble might draw some blood, it's true
but trust me, its a risk worth taking
and trust is what it all comes down to.

taking chances

When my heart races I can feel it all the way down to my toes. I can make the thudding slow but I can't make it softer.

I ran and lost today. Such a little phrase, such a little thing. Running for office...maybe not so little. To me.

Ran for the premed club pastor role, that is. Lost out to another junior. Whether or not I think I should have isn't relevent. But I got up front and gave my speech. Gave my best without making overblown promises. Spoke confidently (enough), sat down. D'you know how hard that is? For me? But I did it well. I'd already prepared myself before the fact, so's I wouldn't be discouraged if I didn't make it. But it went well enough that I had actually started to hope. Figured the hardest part was behind me.

I didn't realize until later how deeply disappointed I was. Guess I thought I'd have worried and prayed and then I'd get in and jump up and down like a little kid, "Look, God! Look what we did!" and then I'd feel his quiet, confident pride. Know he was proud of me for stepping outside myself for something I wanted badly, helping me win the first time. I still think I could have done worlds of good if I'd have had the excuse.

I guess I don't need the excuse, though. Those worlds are still right where they were when this little adventure started.

I got to the end of this and started trying to figure out how to wrap it up positively. And realized that that would be hypocritical and unfair, as well, because I don't feel positive. I guess the worlds are going to have to wait a few more hours.

"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping off the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, or hand to hold, or hell to pay..."

looks and sleeping bags and lack thereof...

Our fire smelled like cedar and oranges. I love the way a fire beats back the darkness with its glowing heart. Something about it just screams "home" and "safety". It was getting cold again, and Bec, Almo and I were all gathered around our cheerful blaze, eating arapas, chips, and campfire bread-with-black-beans, respectively. There was a couple camped through the woods, not far away, but they were the only light in sight.
From our peripherals we noticed a sudden influx of bodies in their campsite, and then this new group began to thrash around in the woods between our sites. One or two of us may have uttered disparging comments on the apparent ineptitude of such a group, but on the whole we ignored them.

You know that feeling on the back of your neck when somebody suddenly moves into your...field of security? So here come three collegish guys strolling up to our campsite, asking, "Can we come sit by your fire?" Utterly pathetic. We all shared a Look, then I shrugged and said, "Sure, why not? Come on over."
(For your reference, The Look is translated, "Dangerous? Maybe. Evaluate. Nothing we can't handle. Besides, it could be fun.")
Ended up being nine of them. One girl. Amazing odds, right? Climbers, up from the Carolinas. They couldn't build a fire because all the sites were full and they didn't have a fire ring, so we shared warmth and names and stories. They were pretty impressed with our "legit" ness, as they put it. We were pretty appalled at their lack of preparation (one guy didn't even have a sleeping bag), and Becca stated at one point, in a very serious voice, "You are going to die." I agreed silently, knowing that I hadn't slept the night before for sheer cold, even in my bag. This guy didn't stand a chance.
We ended up giving him an extra blanket and coat to make sure we didn't all wake up to a skinny frozen snowcone. We three of us, in our tiny two-person tent, were warm and snuggy.
The next morning resulted in a considerably tired, chilled looking guy giving us back our stuff, which evolved into an exchange of phone numbers and a mutual agreement for the groups to contact when we make climbing forays into each other's territory. And then we saw them later that night for a moment at Olive Garden, an hour from Foster. What's with this karma thing?
I love this aspect of camping. I know a lot of people don't understand what is so invigorating about it, but... if you get beyond "communing with nature" in the dirt and grime, and smokey smellyness and bruises and sore muscles and charcoal in my tea water and icy feet that make sleeping impossible and small creatures getting into my potatoes and sunburns and rope burns and into the breeze and challenge of a smooth expanse of rock and enjoyment of a warm sleeping back and toasted food and pushing yourself and innovating on the fly and spending your time with the most important people and wading rivers and, just maybe, sharing your fire with strangers, then...well, you just might get it.
'Course, you come back exhausted and unable to move, like me, but it's still worth it. Makes you appreciate a shower, at least. I looooooove me a good shower.

strange scents that I actually really kinda love...

My little brother's freshly baked bread.
Horse barns. Don't knock it--not for everyone.
Storms. And yes, you can smell them coming.
Freshly cut lumber from Grandpa's sawmill.
Sun-warmed herb beds, cilantro and basil (like what's growing on my porch).
Tilled black earth and seeds.
Spring hay meadows, walls of flowers and grass under a brilliant blue sky.
Honey bee wax, collected as we spin honey.
Orange tree blossoms on a warm breeze.
Sea spray and salt-embedded ocean cliffs.
Boiling maple syrup in Da's evaporator.
Sunshine flavored breezes.
Crunchy fall leaves. Sharp and musty.
Caramel apples. Actually, maybe I just like the taste. A lot.
Campfires, smoke and woods and heat (camping this weekend...Foster, here we come!).
Cedar trees, carved into heartwood creatures.
The random flowering bushes to the right of Wright hall.
Blueberry herbal tea in huge mugs.

unrandom clips from my life invoking spring

Excerpt from my journal, dated 3/19.

Spring is yawning and stretching, starting to shake off the long wintercold we've had. She's grown young again, sleeping curled up in the heart of the old curly maple, but the sap is beginning to flow and she can feel the branches reach for the sun; and so she stirs. She is still new and as fresh as a green shoot of the first grass. Finally she slips free of her winter abode and stands once again in the world. As she stretches up to greet the carefree blue sky, her joy at being alive will pull the flowers and grass springing free as the birds riot around her.

I hope she comes soon. Its so beautiful already. Winter is departing (albeit not dearly) and it is time to wake up. Shake off your rest! It's warm and the wind is coy and caressing instead of cruel and biting.

...

Of course, now it's just hot. And I love every second. It's impossible to be depressed, or worried or (I would assume) bipolar when the sun and wind work on you and turn your skin to burnished copper. That is, if you're lucky. If you're like me, you just kind of get a hazy tannish, no matter how much time you spend outside. And m'not bipolar, it was just a figure of speech.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm happy. Just straight up happy. Funny what spring can do.