gotta have more cowbell

People say you can't miss what you never had.

As usual, people are wrong.

With the apartment mostly packed tonight, and my pillow jammed under my head, I can finally sit back and just listen to the quiet. I can also feel the introspective melancholy part of my character stirring. The choleric has had free reign today, to try and make order out of all this chaos, and now it's time to put my thoughts back in place.

I don't imagine my head to be this orderly, file-cabinet system, either. If I were to think about it, which I usually don't but obviously am doing al momento, I see more of a lived-in room with a fireplace and huge doors open to the wilderness. Lots of green and brown, some blue. It's comfortable, and slightly messy--you know, desk chair pulled out, book on the bed, shirt on the chair, pens and paper and sheet music scattered on the desk, and climbing shoes hanging off the hammock. I guess this is where I go when I need to rest. I wonder what an extrovert's head looks like?

Hmm. I just realized I like my mind. What an odd thing.

But anywho, I was laying here thinking about the past year. There are so many engagement pictures on our fridge that my bucket list has been almost covered. I was absentmindedly staring at them, and thinking about my dear friends who will be engaged soon...and I quietly asked God, in my heart, why I was still alone, when it's not good for us to be alone. And I just realized as I sit here that this is the first semester I've had where I wasn't either in the grip of first attraction to somebody, or crushed into tiny pieces because something wasn't enough. And usually in that order. Truth; the first part of first semester was rocky, and I still hurt over the pain I've inadvertantly caused, but this year was emotionally free for me and for that I can be grateful. Might not sound like much of an epiphany, but for me, it's big. I can wait. Though I still miss kissing. And there's something about twining your fingers with somebody else's thats just so darn...reassuring. Relaxing. Undemanding. Listen to me wax eloquent, oh my people. And so on, and so forth.

But the biggest thing on my mind tonight is...where in heck am I supposed to find a cowbell to ring at Bec's graduation? It was a solemn vow I swore our sophomore year of high school, and here I am, days away and still no cowbell. I gotta have more cowbell.

Anybody got a cowbell???