crushed mint

Even though it drives me crazy sometimes, one of the things I love best about God is that he's subtle. Not like notes under my door, or fresh orchids on the porch railing when I come home, although those are lovely. No, even more subtle than that. More like the faintest scent of mint on the breeze, that barely lingers until you notice it--but once you do, it's so obvious and refreshing and you wonder, how did I miss that before?

I've been so stressed. So worried, so uncertain. And I hate not knowing about Loma Linda. And the whole interview mix-up. And if I should even go there. And so I let myself get lost in that toxic, endlessly repeating cycle of it's-my-fault-and-now-it-might-be-too-late-but-God's-in-control-right-so-maybe-this-is-a-door-shutting-but-maybe-it's-just-a-sign-of-my-incompetence-because-it's-my-fault-and-now-it-might-be-too-late.... Over and over and over. Even when I sleep.

I sat down to try and verbalize it, because that's what I know how to do. The harsher it is on paper, the more I can get it out of my head and heart. But quite unexpectedly, I felt the barest bit of my attention caught, like I saw the edge of a shadow that didn't belong, from the corner of my eye. Or almost (not quite) smelled crushed mint or cinnamon--you know what that's like. So I paid attention and grabbed at the thought. And it pulled back, out of reach. So I said, ok, I can wait for it. It's obviously not mine. So I did.

I have to admire God's subtlety. He does know exactly how to get me to pay attention. If he had bellowed, "I have a plan for you, so stop worrying already!" yeah, I would have heard, sure, but he already said that. Several times. I have it in print. And I still fret.

But he made me stop and pay attention first. And then it was only a simple, "It's going to be ok." But he showed me, not how it was going to be all right, but why. I must be getting maudlin in my old age, but it actually brought a tear or two to my eye, being assured of that simple little fact. And if I can accept that assurance, I can only assume these headaches and the sick feeling in my stomach will go away. As an aside, smelling mint is a natural remedy for headaches. Who woulda thunk?

Oh, and today was our first cadaver lab (finally). I want to hang a sign up with that creepy kid from Sixth Sense saying, "I smell dead people." But I don't think Dr. Snyder would think it was funny. I scrubbed my hair twice. I think I'll like it better when they're alive and breathing and I actually know what I'm doing.