Someone I care about just held a mirror up to my face, from 3,000 miles away, and showed me how they saw me through the other side. It was ugly. It broke my heart. Not only to find out that I am not what I thought I was, but that I caused someone pain.
I don't know how to fix it. But it hurts.
And I'm caught now. Because I realized, as she poured out her anger, that this person, and others like her, were hurt because deep down inside me, I felt like I and the friendship I had to offer wasn't worth much. So now I'm stuck between my pain, and the reverberations of her pain, which is much harder, and self-loathing for my flaws that damage others.
And I don't know what to do. I'm throwing empty words into emptier space because, let's be honest here, how do you talk about this? I tried. But it didn't work and I'm sitting alone in my head, knowing that I'm not a good person. Good people don't hurt their friends.
1 comment:
I want to understand, grasp, this before it's too late. How did your friend get to the point of telling you that? Does it make them an even better friend to you? What will you do now? Deep down inside you, did you feel that you needed to hear it? Do you ever think (hope/feel?) your friendship is the stuff of instances and eternities? Sometimes I see myself in your words, and it makes me stop. Just for a moment, though. Then it's back to blissful, intentional ignorance. But I don't want to hurt people, either. I hope your self-to-self dialogue is a hurt in the right direction. Good luck.
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