I haven't been angry in such a long time. Not truly angry. No rage, no slow burning that flares up into a wildfire without warning. There aren't many things in my life that can set this off--and the ones I know, I take care to avoid. With my temper, it's important.
Why is it happening now? I don't understand.
One of our professors has done a mediocre job, I believe, in presenting his information. His lectures are vague and his powerpoints are the only study material he provides--and they're mostly pictures, a presentation ripped from another school. Even when I take notes, it's difficult to go back and decipher what he intended us to take away--oh, the concepts are clear enough, but the details? So I decided to come to the review this morning instead of studying, hoping rather strongly that it would be useful, and give me a clearer picture of what we're to be tested on in a few days.
It's worthless. Apparently, he's been letting questions pile up in his email, and now he's answering them--even the ones that don't pertain. I listened to his several-minute explanation of an obscure point, only to follow up with, "But you don't need to worry about this. It's not going to show up on the test."
Rage. I was so surprised that I only managed to catch it with the tips of my fingers before it flared up into something uncontrollable.
I don't know why.
Perhaps it is because time is slipping away from me now--and he's wasting it. I'm caught between feeling like I should stay in case something useful happens--but I have to study--I don't know what to do.
I shouldn't be angry over this. I should just...study.
3 comments:
I'm sorry.
There's one thing, though, that . . . hmm. Your rage sounds legitimate. People always seem to place the angry people in the wrong, in the aggressor's place, and put the people at whom they are angry in the right, in the victim's place. I think that's wrong. Your teacher did not do his job, and you pay him-- you depend on him-- to do that job. You're going to be a doctor, and you are taking classes that MATTER, and if you don't get the concepts he is trying to teach you, someone (maybe even multiple someones) might die. If you weren't angry, I wouldn't be proud of you; I'd be horrified.
The Bible said to "be angry and sin not." To me, this means that being angry isn't a sin, and so feeling rage is not wrong. It's what you do-- or don't do-- about that anger and rage that can be a problem. Plus, anger/rage are great sources of energy. If you have a temper, you have . . . like . . . a volcano under your control, and that's kind of awesome. Volcanos build islands, enrich soil, offer people and animals a paradise to live in.
You can do that with your rage. You don't have to explode and endanger everything near you, but if you refuse to use it, I think you're missing an opportunity. I'm not sure exactly what using your rage effectively looks like in your situation, but could you do something for your professor's future students?
I know what you mean about using anger productively, Janelle...and it's true. When I'm truly angry, my thoughts synthesize effortlessly and it feels as though there is nothing I cannot do, or say, or make happen. It's...seductive and reckless. I like that feeling.
Afterwards, though, the effort of keeping it controlled leaves me exhausted, and depending on what I did and said, sick. Anger is the only thing I can see when I'm that upset--very little other emotions to temper it. I get that from my dad. It's funny, though--I never knew he had that problem until I got into trouble in high school, and he told me he'd been just like that. I never would have guessed.
Anyway, my surprise today was more that I don't think it was enough to be that angry over. His style works for other people. Did he waste my time? Yes. But...I don't know. Picking battles.
Thanks for the thoughts! Good points.
I have a bit of my temper myself, so I think I understand (more or less) what you mean. :-)
But you don't have to control it by yourself, of course. If that helps. It probably doesn't.
I wonder what your dad did.
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