Grey

Religion class today was about personalities.

The professor chose seven of us to line up at the front (I never fidget when I'm nervous--too much attention towards breathing and watching the dozens of faces staring at me. It's fun, but nerve-wracking). She then told the class, "All right. I want you to arrange these people in this order--if you asked one of them to do something, and they said no, which would you quickly take at their word, and which would you ask again and again, eventually changing their answer?"

"Oh, Alyssa goes on the "No" end for sure!" I might have actually taken a step backwards--that's how shocked I was to hear my name. At any rate, half-dozen people voted to move me to the beginning. One girl, when pressed, said that I seemed firm and steady, just in the few conversations we've had, and that she couldn't see me changing my mind unless it was very, very important. Another said I have a backbone of steel, and the third just stated that I was stubborn.

Enough people agreed that, when the game was over, I was either the strongest or the most impossible, depending on your point of view. I don't think I disagree.

I've been tentatively skirting the edges of depression these past few weeks. I know what it feels like--I know it well enough to be wary and uneasy and worried. I can also see it affecting the way I relate to people, how I handle conflict and stress. Some days are better than others. Today isn't one of them.

I don't understand how this dichotomy works. How can I be both things, strong and weak, all at once? Intellectually I can see it, how it can be so, but when it's me it feels...wrong. Something is off. I am off. And yet I have every reason to be happy. I am happy--but right now, it feels fragile.

I hate this.

So, I'm going to counseling. Just left my name and number, which is a step, at least. And while today has been grey in a multiplicity of ways, at the moment, I feel...hopeful.