truth for once

It will be all right.

Do the best you can, and it will be enough.

This will all be worth it some day.

You're not alone in this--we're all here.

You're not alone.

Lies.

I've got to stop the spinning. Stop the fearing. The frightened, relentless circling feeling that I'm drowning; the water just hasn't hit my lungs yet.

Do you know what I think, when it gets late and I'm actually being honest with myself and not mouthing the phrases that we hope will carry us though each day?

I can't do this.
I don't even know if I want to do this.
I know I don't want to be here.
I'm tired of being motivated by fear.
I can't stand this not-really-living thing.
I disgust myself with how much time I purposely waste because studying repulses me.
I've stopped caring about learning. This isn't learning, and I'm not strong enough or smart enough to make it be.
I'm not even sure this will make me happy. Ever.
I can't see what I'm headed for anymore. I wonder if I ever did, or if I just made it up.
I don't know what happy looks like sometimes.
Home doesn't really exist anymore.
I am alone.

I am sick of trying to be cheerful. I hate this.