intelligence

It's strange to be here, in my second year of medical school, and still feel I don't belong. That I'm faking it, that it was a mistake that got me here in the first place. I had a conversation about a classmate, yesterday, who I dislike because he writes me off. I've also said some very un-inspired things in his presence. It was pointed out that he is very serious and intelligent and if he thinks I'm not up to that level, he's the sort of person who wouldn't consider interacting with me worth his time. True; but it hurts. I've had that said about me several times, and I'm afraid that they're not wrong. More afraid of that than anything else, I think.

And so, when people tell me I'm smart, it makes me sick. I don't feel it, so it's just more pressure to be something I'm not, and most likely not to succeed in doing. Test week depression, perhaps, but there are so many intelligent, quick people here--and I don't think I fit in that category. I know I don't work hard enough to be here--this will be the third day of testing, and I didn't study much at all yesterday afternoon. I was just sick of it, and I don't know how to study better, but that's not good enough. It feels like proof that I'm not good enough, while at the same time making it seem like completely my fault. What am I saying? It is completely my fault.

Agh. And see, here I am spewing venom in my own general direction, and I should be studying. I only have one hour left. And there should be no venom.

The counselor told me that I have to remove the word "should" from my vocabulary, that the way I use it is self-destructive. I feel destructive right now. Quite. I'm so tired.

I think I might always be tired

It is I; I am here
Breathe softly in your trembling ear
Whisper past each icy tear
"Come back to sleep"--but dark things wait--
Creep in like cold and chill and fear.

Having trouble sleeping. Woke up in a cold sweat with the sheets soaking wet all around me. Had to strip the bed in the middle of the night and sleep in a heap of blankets that ended up being rather cozy.