It's strange to be here, in my second year of medical school, and still feel I don't belong. That I'm faking it, that it was a mistake that got me here in the first place. I had a conversation about a classmate, yesterday, who I dislike because he writes me off. I've also said some very un-inspired things in his presence. It was pointed out that he is very serious and intelligent and if he thinks I'm not up to that level, he's the sort of person who wouldn't consider interacting with me worth his time. True; but it hurts. I've had that said about me several times, and I'm afraid that they're not wrong. More afraid of that than anything else, I think.
And so, when people tell me I'm smart, it makes me sick. I don't feel it, so it's just more pressure to be something I'm not, and most likely not to succeed in doing. Test week depression, perhaps, but there are so many intelligent, quick people here--and I don't think I fit in that category. I know I don't work hard enough to be here--this will be the third day of testing, and I didn't study much at all yesterday afternoon. I was just sick of it, and I don't know how to study better, but that's not good enough. It feels like proof that I'm not good enough, while at the same time making it seem like completely my fault. What am I saying? It is completely my fault.
Agh. And see, here I am spewing venom in my own general direction, and I should be studying. I only have one hour left. And there should be no venom.
The counselor told me that I have to remove the word "should" from my vocabulary, that the way I use it is self-destructive. I feel destructive right now. Quite. I'm so tired.
2 comments:
I have never been to medical school, but I have felt this way before.
You're in your SECOND year of medical school. You passed last year. Maybe you aren't as quick as other people there, but you passed a bunch of pretty selective tests just to get there. Did you choose medical school because you are smart or because you want to help people?
As for studying, have you considered fifteen-minute intervals? What study style got you the best grades in undergrad? You know, like, are you a relational learner, or an auditory one, or one who likes to build on things, or a kinetic learner, etc.? You can build an effective study method that you're satisfied with. If you couldn't, you would never have gotten into medical school in the first place.
I was going to stop talking becuse I've said a bunch already, but I have more to say. You're welcome. :-S
A long time ago, maybe a year now, someone told me that I shouldn't be so down on myself. I didn't see it. But then God and I started talking again with vulnerability on my part, and I got the impression that I could not look at myself safely anymore. Even now, I'm not very safe with myself. But I have been happy and successful at times, when I stop looking at myself and look in a direction that's safe.
I'm about 90% sure none of that will help you, but I like typing, I guess. Have a good test week.
Can I submit that there are many types of intelligence... ? And there are types of intelligence that are much better for creating meaningful life. I'm glad you're not a brilliant, socially inept child prodigy, or nuclear physicist.
I'm so thankful that you're you; please be you. Do you feel that you can recognize areas in which you're gifted, Alyssa? Sometimes I struggle to identify these areas in myself. Is it hard to let the comparisons fade away a bit... ? I struggle to not compare myself to others, especially when I'm feeling insecure.
From a more spiritual/meaning-focused perspective: God gave you to the world (and to my world... =] isn't God so great?!). God gave you, Aly; not someone else. He thinks you're brilliant--honestly, I've talked to Him about it. We're both a bit awe-struck by you... and, just to bolster God's opinion with another vote, I think you're brilliant, especially in areas that count a lot more than the intelligence measured by med school tests... I value that intelligence much more greatly. (And--by the way--you are still rocking THE MAJORITY of your med school classes, you. That is no small academic feat.)
Here's something that's been dawning on me recently: maybe I'm brilliant in the eyes of others, and I'm not. But I think that all I can do is become a better me... maybe even a more intelligent me. But I have potential. I think that potential is a lot more exciting, and a lot more important than static labels, such as "intelligent." Brilliance in kindergarten does not make a kid a high school valedictorian. And being the top of your med school class does not make someone better able to care for a suffering human being...
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