Futures

It's hard to reclaim a blog once you've given it to someone. I used to blithely tell people about it, probably hoping they'd get to see a bit more of who I am and be intrigued enough to pursue a friendship, or at least to let them into my world enough to share a conversation about things that are important to us. I've discovered, though, that this is a double edged sword, and that I edit my thoughts according to who reads them. It entirely defeats my purpose.

I'm tired of that.

And right now I'm just tired. And done editing because my ex may happen across my thoughts. Because this is mine.

I have talked a great deal with trusted friends about the dynamics of breakups, in light of my own, and one asked me this question (or one very similar to it--I'm running on east coast time as my flight just landed, so it's 4 am for me and we know I don't function very well in the wee hours). The question was dual; who do you think will move on first, and if it's not you...how are you going to feel about that? How will you respond?

I got to test that theory tonight. It's been such a long day...somehow, my plane ticket landed me back in CA a full day early. I scrambled to find a ride and it was very late when I finally made it back here, to my cold and dark and frankly creepily deserted apartment (I suppose it would be more creepy if it wasn't deserted), super grateful for the friends I have. A quick and ferocious running of the wall heater to warm things up, a run and jump into my bed piled high with blankets...and a last-minute, sleepy scrolling through of facebook on my phone, because the city lights coming through my window take some getting used to after days of dark and quiet nights.

He's dating another girl. I didn't quite understand it at first--apparently he wasn't satisfied at just changing status...it required a post. Just in case we missed it earlier, as I had. That was...poorly done. Though it did finally prompt a blocking of all further updates that I had been considering, and should have done just one day sooner, it was still shocking. On multiple levels, as well, which was an unexpected and unwelcome development.

What a mess. There's a great deal of me that believes he has every right to be happy and move on, and hopes well for him. Being alone is a hard thing. I personally hate it. For all the time I need to be by myself, I don't do well without someone to love and be loved by. I got away with being alone in college because I wanted to wait for the real thing, and I didn't really know what I was missing--I suspected it, but I wasn't quite sure. Now I know. So if he can move past everything and be happy...how could I not want that for him?

But.

The shocked part, the raging part that will not let me sleep is not so easily persuaded. Her? Really? The same girl he told me was just a cool new friend, and then described his hours of conversation with, and how excited he was to find a "soul-twin like her," that now there were "two people who really understand me--you and Dani?" The one who sounds like all the good parts of me, but without the flaws? The one he connects with so effortlessly that it's almost like they can read each other's minds? I actually hope I'm wrong, and it's a different Dani. I hope so very selfishly because I wanted to believe him when he said that he could have other deep relationships with other girls; and, I had hoped, without conducting them in a way that would make slipping into a relationship with them this easy. Because four months. Seriously. You do not go from a ish-two-year relationship and start dating someone four months later unless you have that kind of base built, the kind you shouldn't be building if you're in a long-term relationship with someone else. And that was always a point of pain between us--his "base-building", per se. So I really hope it's a different Dani...although in the end it doesn't have anything to do with me. Which makes it easier, somehow. It was just a nasty surprise.

It just leaves me so tired. I think my dreams of finding a soul-mate broke when I realized that something vital was missing from the future I wanted so badly with him. Soul-mates--I don't think they exist anymore. You can't have everything. Like mom says, there are no Manicorns. And so I have to remind myself that it's very simple, now. I don't need much. Just someone to quietly and fiercely love me at the end of the day, unwavering, who is kind to me no matter what life throws at us. Someone I can trust with my heart unreservedly, without fear of the future. I've discovered that those are two things I cannot live without.