I just finished my week on the addictions unit. The best summary I can create is that, "People. Are. Crazy." And these aren't even the real crazy people. I'll meet them all in the ward next week.
At the same time, it was very humbling. I attended an AA meeting earlier this week, and I was astounded when I walked in the door at 6:25 am. There were so, so many people in that gym--I'd expected a small circle of about 15 people, mostly older broken men, in a small room somewhere. Instead, I encountered more than 70 people seated in a gym, and among them I saw fellow students, attendings, and nurses I recognized from the hospital--there as patients. Young people, professors, grandmothers. Guys in ripped shorts and guys in suits with stethoscopes around their necks. It was inspiring.
Also, I met my first Antisocial. This personality type is the most common "sociopath" identifier and is recognized in test questions as having childhoods involving prolonged bed-wetting, the habit of setting fires, and animal mutilation, all before the age of 15. Of course, as I was admitting this guy, nothing he told me had anything to do with urination or cutting up cats and setting his room on fire. Turns out that these guys (or girls), in reality, usually have pasts that include abuse and are currently extremely manipulative, with no qualms about hurting anybody and everybody to get what they want. I didn't realize that's what this dude was like until he started trying to strong-arm the staff into giving him privileges he didn't have, and after I heard him unabashedly lying to and manipulating someone he "loved" over the phone. Or maybe after he tells me he's abusive towards his pregnant girlfriend, or I find out that he requires sex from her much more often than she wants it (his average estimate was twice a day). Yeah, all of that.
Meeting him underscored for me that there will be patients I do NOT want to interact with. Patients that I may come to despise, even, and may see no worth or value in--but I need to figure out how to love these people. At least, how to interact with them in a way where they feel as valued as they would if they had spent time with Jesus. Which sounds ridiculous. I can't do that. Not even close. I'm not even sure I want to try, to be honest. But I think it's a worthwhile goal and I would like to learn how.
3 comments:
That sounds rough. Man.
Thanks for sharing.
If it helps at all, I ... see myself in that, a bit. Maybe a lot. But I don't think (for me) it's permanent.
ugh. yeeeeeaaaahh......Not a fan of those people. I mean, I've always been able to act at least passably polite, even around people i don't like, but i definitely get where you are coming from with the "i see no value in you" thing. I struggle with that a lot actually. Not that i come across people like that a lot, simply that when i do, i can't even bring myself to TRY to love them. It's definitely a problem. Good luck with your end. Hopefully you won't "accidentally" mess up their paperwork lol.
loving the unlovable — the ones who inflict harm on themselves (or worse, others) — is going to be the most challenging part of my future life. something i learned at camp though: the kids who're hardest to love are often the ones who need it most.
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