Sunflowers and goodness

I'm feeling a little personal tonight, and instead of writing funny or horrifying stories about my patients, I thought it was time for another chapter that means something to me.

Several months ago, at the end of December, I wrote about the struggle where I had to put the last piece of a broken relationship into a box and close it up. It was a hard night that turned into a pivot point, as such things do. I wish I could describe it better, but so much changed after that. It was as if knowing that he'd moved on was the thing that finally set me free of the guilt I felt, the wretched sadness of knowing that I hurt him. The healing after that, the peace, the growing into myself were and are still amazing. The pain is finally gone, over half a year later. I don't know that I've ever been happier in my life, even with the stresses of school and choosing residencies, passing shelf exams, you name it--life is just, good.

Part of that goodness has been learning to fall for someone again, to trust myself and my judgement, to take the chance and start something that could be wonderful. We met by chance, but he is warm and he is kind, this man, and the way he interacts with and treats the people around him calms my heart. It's been a little scary, making the decision to let someone in, but I haven't regretted a moment, and I want more. More of the contentedness and the feeling that something very sweet is growing, that it feels like I've found something worth exploring and hanging on to, more of experiencing someone who believes that a good relationship is a precious thing. And I feel like I'm finally learning to ask the right questions, the important ones. Learning to be honest with myself, otherwise it's all guessing and mistakes anyway.

I don't know what's going to happen, and that's okay. I am content, and happy, and life is simply good.

Psych Day #3

Random moment from my drive home last night--I was stopped behind an ambulance at the last light before the hospital. The back windows aren't completely dark, and since the sun had already vanished for the day I was able to see inside the lighted square. The gurney was just below my line of sight, and I was absentmindedly watching the two medically inclined dudes in the back and wondering who they were transporting and how their day was going...until this little chubby fist reached up and tugged on the man's sleeve. Instant attention grabber, that. I almost got whiplash. For some reason, I never expect to see a little kid in one of those things, but there she was, and she was adorable. Just one of those things.

Another not-so-random story from my second day on psych unit. So, there's this lady. We're gonna call her...well, Nutsy or Teeth are the first nicknames that spring to mind, but there must be something better. She's scary. Massive lady, stature and girth, absolutely bonkers, coming into our unit with at least ten prior instances of attacking staff at other institutions. During one of those attacks, she nearly severed a male nurse's finger...with her teeth. It had to be reattached. I am not making this up.

We've had her for about 24 hours. This morning I come in and find out that she got her hands on the charge nurse (after refusing her medications), ripped out a chunk of her hair, and came within an inch of clawing her right eye. The nurse has these massive scratches all down the side of her face, and she along with another staff member had to be taken down to the ER last night after they managed to hold this lady-animal down and sedate her. I am not prone to swearing or cursing...but the term "batshit crazy" blares in my head every time I see this lady shuffling down the hall towards me. She scares me to death.

Psych in general is a difficult rotation for me. I admitted a man yesterday who started having what might have been a panic attack in front of me, complete with hyperventilating and clenching his fits on his kneees, but I had a moment where I literally didn't know if he was having an emotional breakdown, or if he was about to launch himself at me and strangle me. I just can't tell, and having to constantly wander about that and assess every person within 20 feet of me is stressful.