I'm feeling a little personal tonight, and instead of writing funny or horrifying stories about my patients, I thought it was time for another chapter that means something to me.
Several months ago, at the end of December, I wrote about the struggle where I had to put the last piece of a broken relationship into a box and close it up. It was a hard night that turned into a pivot point, as such things do. I wish I could describe it better, but so much changed after that. It was as if knowing that he'd moved on was the thing that finally set me free of the guilt I felt, the wretched sadness of knowing that I hurt him. The healing after that, the peace, the growing into myself were and are still amazing. The pain is finally gone, over half a year later. I don't know that I've ever been happier in my life, even with the stresses of school and choosing residencies, passing shelf exams, you name it--life is just, good.
Part of that goodness has been learning to fall for someone again, to trust myself and my judgement, to take the chance and start something that could be wonderful. We met by chance, but he is warm and he is kind, this man, and the way he interacts with and treats the people around him calms my heart. It's been a little scary, making the decision to let someone in, but I haven't regretted a moment, and I want more. More of the contentedness and the feeling that something very sweet is growing, that it feels like I've found something worth exploring and hanging on to, more of experiencing someone who believes that a good relationship is a precious thing. And I feel like I'm finally learning to ask the right questions, the important ones. Learning to be honest with myself, otherwise it's all guessing and mistakes anyway.
I don't know what's going to happen, and that's okay. I am content, and happy, and life is simply good.
3 comments:
Today I saw a picture of an old friend on Facebook and I was taken aback. I had to click on it; I was compelled.
She is a beautiful woman, but for no reason related to her physical attractiveness. Physical beauty is not an asset she has. It is her smile. I cannot describe how a smile tears through her from one end to the other like a package on christmas morning. I can't stop trying to make her laugh because she doesn't hold back even one ounce of joy. I would think she would run out but she keep pouring it on, heap after heap, until you find that she is your friend and there's nothing you could have done to avoid it.
I saw her profile and was compelled to enlarge it, to absorb it, because some brilliant photographer had somehow captured her smile and spread it evenly over every pixel and allowed it to soak in. It was the most amazing thing I have seen and easily the best profile picture I have seen on Facebook in at least 5+ years.
I realize this comment is unrelated, but you seem so happy and I wanted somebody to know that Lydia has the best smile I think I have ever seen. It's absolutely cataclysmic.
This sounds grounded and hopeful. Unrelated to it, except for your mention of stories, it occurred to me to share a blog I used to read more often and now only glance at now and then, because it's a guy who works on an ambulance and writes stories and they are very well written and offer glimpses into his life, but really, into the lives of those he serves. Maybe you'd appreciate them: http://sirenvoices.blogspot.com.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck.
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