taking chances

When my heart races I can feel it all the way down to my toes. I can make the thudding slow but I can't make it softer.

I ran and lost today. Such a little phrase, such a little thing. Running for office...maybe not so little. To me.

Ran for the premed club pastor role, that is. Lost out to another junior. Whether or not I think I should have isn't relevent. But I got up front and gave my speech. Gave my best without making overblown promises. Spoke confidently (enough), sat down. D'you know how hard that is? For me? But I did it well. I'd already prepared myself before the fact, so's I wouldn't be discouraged if I didn't make it. But it went well enough that I had actually started to hope. Figured the hardest part was behind me.

I didn't realize until later how deeply disappointed I was. Guess I thought I'd have worried and prayed and then I'd get in and jump up and down like a little kid, "Look, God! Look what we did!" and then I'd feel his quiet, confident pride. Know he was proud of me for stepping outside myself for something I wanted badly, helping me win the first time. I still think I could have done worlds of good if I'd have had the excuse.

I guess I don't need the excuse, though. Those worlds are still right where they were when this little adventure started.

I got to the end of this and started trying to figure out how to wrap it up positively. And realized that that would be hypocritical and unfair, as well, because I don't feel positive. I guess the worlds are going to have to wait a few more hours.

"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping off the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, or hand to hold, or hell to pay..."