I make lists.
Not extensively, you know. Just when I need to make order out of chaos (which can be lovely, but only under certain circumstances). It helps, when I'm sitting on that uncomfortable lifeguard seat at 6:07 am, wishing that the next hour would simply vanish, to have a piece of paper to scrawl down things I must accomplish that day, random song lyrics, lines to new poems, sketches...
Incidentally, I do watch the people. I swear I do. I watch them swim back and forth, back and forth, baaaaccckkk aaannndddd fooorrrtttthhhh....which is why I scrawl. It keeps my mind going and keeps me awake.
I realized that a lot of the things I want to accomplish this year can't just be crammed into a short, succint list. They're complicated. Complex. Simple. Mindbendingly hard. Elementary. Irritating. Frightening. New.
I did try, you know. I tried to get a hard grip on time and not let it slip past me. Somehow, I suppose, I thought that if I fought hard enough, I could slow it until I stopped it in its tracks. For a few precious seconds, once, I thought I'd turned it back. It's a funny thing, is time--once the grip slips, it snaps right back where it was, like a rubber band. I'm good at fighting to keep what's important to me. But I can't win this one.
So right now I'm feeling a bit like I've been cut loose and I'm drifting. It's a relief to not be trying so hard, and at the same time, I can't really relax because everything is moving faster and faster. As long as I'm taking the analogy this way, you know exactly what would be at the end of this hypothetical river. It would be loud, and long, and splashing with mist and spray. Crazy, eh?
Letting go is really, really hard. Yes?
5 comments:
I totally hear you on this one. I've got a weird relationship with time. Mostly I've learned to ignore its passage (which means I'm pretty much always late to everything). I don't know. I think you're interesting, and I like what you write, and I liked this.
It reminded me of something I'm pretty sure Einstein said: The reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once. So . . . you don't have to do it all right now, which is a relief, but also a curse sometimes, I guess. I wonder what it's like to be God.
I like how the fact that you watch people is like an after thought lol. But yes, I agree, letting go is hard. I was actually crying when my mom told me I had to go to sunnydale, because I didn't want to lose my friends at public school. In Hindsight though, turns out it's one of the best things to ever happen to me. :) Hang in there.
Yes. But it ends very well.
I remember you sitting in that high seat while I drowned in the pool. And by drowned I mean swam. I suppose while you were listing, you were listening, too. Do you need a lifeguard now?
Funny you should say "listening," since I could totally track your swim style by sound. I didn't see any drowning, though you scared the heck out of me once by diving in before I knew you were there. I could use another lifeguard. :)
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