Blue Moon

Still winter pool the sky reflects
Faint burst of stars rekindling
Blue moon blazes a path it raises
Who knows what things this night will bring?
If fate, or chance, or peace or love
Or luck, the rarest of them all
'Tis evident a spell is sent
Within its radiant blue fall

Lord Tennyson's Tale

In hard sunbright armor
He rode by the river
A curse fair unleashed
Was all he could give her
A hundred puzzled faces
In a cracked crystal mirror
Did he know what he did
When he sang, "Tirra lirra?"
'Twas the strength of his voice
That pulled her 'cross the room
And yet did not save her
From the curse of the loom
A hundred chilled teardrops
In a cracked crystal mirror
Did he know what he did
When he sang, "Tirra lirra?"

"But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, 'She has a lovely face.
God in his mercy lend her grace...
The Lady of Shallot.'"

If ye have a chance, ask Haluska about this'n sometime. 'Tis a fair wild tale in it's entirety, and one of my favorites.

Mixing and matching

Cavernous ice glows azure freezing cold
Crystalline snow captures sun’s early gold
Variegated gold patterns in the grain of the tree
Clear salty blue in the shallows at sea
Deep winter green of the Green river flowing
Same green of a smoothly round ocean stone glowing
Sharp purple blackness of early midnight
Rippling pale shadows of winter moonlight
Cardinal’s eyes living obsidian made
Silky rough driftwood from coastlines of jade
Hypnotic blue at the heart of a flame
Wind from the west with the dense scent of rain
Heart breaking the stillness and echoes in sleep
Low drumming rhythm of earth sounding deep

Day of Choices

7:49am
Wake up call. Mom's already up and cleaning up the kitchen--we left it be last night so we could just talk together in front of the fire before we slept. I should go help.

11:32am
Keep feeling these slow waves of panic shuddering through me. Everything is so empty, last night home is over, the fire's out. Packing progresses, but slowly. The more we get done the more I can see has to get done before the day is over. If I keep busy, it keeps the panic away. But I don't want to leave.

5:05pm
Getting tired now. Amanda has announced that she's done for the night. We still have hours left to pack, and she wants to stop. EVERYBODY wants to stop, but we don't. It's so much harder to keep hauling load after load over to Grandpa's with all this snow.

7:22pm
Wicked nasty cramps, so I can't tell if the nausea is from PMS or just that leaving is making me ill. Too bad all the meds are packed up. I'm so tired--my feet are killing me, and I don't think this kitchen will ever be empty. I just want to go home. What a joke.

9:45pm
We've stopped for the night. One more load to cart over, but we're all bone-weary and need to sleep. One bathroom for six of us, now. Everything is so cramped here--I'm used to wide spaces and silence and privacy. Not sure I can do this. Have to do this.

10:02
Just broke down. Guess all the panic caught up to me. Still have to do this.

East

In the style of Browning. Not sure if I like the meter...

Strength of midday rays have ceased
Last hope fading in the west
Twilight creatures rise from rest
As shadows glide in from the east

Sandstone

I blinked the sun out of my eyes and dug my fingers in more tightly as I scrambled over the warm red rock. It was a lovely hot evening, and my friends and I were in Arches National Park, exploring and climbing everything we could reach.
I was racing a tall friend of mine to the top of one of the massive ridged monoliths deep within the park’s interior. Our goal was a small arch near the top, probably forty or fifty feet above the sandy ground and relatively easy looking, at least enough that we didn’t take too much care in scrambling towards our goal.
He had ranged to the left of me, and in his lanky tallness was succeeding better than I at finding holds, which meant that I was lagging several feet behind. I took a chance on a promising shortcut and reached high overhead, pulling myself up and reaching for another handhold.
I lost all sight of our contest when I realized that there was nothing there. No handholds, no rock solid enough to smear. A quick glance down showed me that, not only was there no sure way for me to back down, but I had edged around a slight overhang and there was nothing underneath to come between me and a very sharp and nasty fall.
I remember looking up at the arch, only a few feet and a million miles above my hands, and thinking—this is a stupid way to die. Of all the ways I would have picked—falling to my death in a national park, mere inches from safety—surely there are more intelligent ways to go.
And then the sandstone beneath my hands began to crumble, and all my sarcastic thoughts turned into sheer panic, the kind you can only feel when you are absolutely certain you are about to die. I don’t know how it was possible to cling any closer to that rock, but I did it. And my feet still kept sliding.
An important rule for free climbing in an isolated place like Arches is, never fall quietly. And, like any rational person, in the critical moment I forgot all about yelling and concentrated on my slowly slipping fingers, afraid to make a sound.
Next thing I knew, a blond curly head came into view as my friend looked down to check on my progress and gloat over his victory. I looked up at him, too afraid to even move enough to ask for help.
Luckily, the man is blessed with rapid intuition as well as strength. The next second he had one hand around my wrist and the other anchoring us both . His calm “I’ve got you” and the total confidence behind it instantly took away my fear, and a precarious moment later he had hauled me up beside him.
We shook off the adrenaline, laughed about it, and watched a sunset that was worth risking a life to see.
Life is made up of goals. Some are easy, and some are just deceptively so. And I know what it’s like to get to the point where you panic and think, I can’t do this. I’m going to fall, and it’s going to hurt. A lot. But I also know what a relief it is to realize that you aren’t going to fall after all, because something bigger than you has a hold on you and isn’t worried in the least. And it places the unattainable within reach.
Ps. 40:2 “He lifted me…he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

Snow Ranger

He quickly on his way doth go
His resting place no man may know
And as his breath emerges, so!
Before him wanders ice and snow
The Winter Ranger sings.
No mortal knows how old he be
But still his steps sound steadily
And through the fields of snow walks he
The wintertide he brings.

For ages his winter songs he's sung
And through the woods his words have rung
Bringing snow from where the stars are hung
And yet, his smiling eyes are young,
Their depths reflect the dark.
His hair is outflung silv'ry white
Keen eyes reflect the skies own light
Their blue still bold and quick and bright
For nothing yet escapes his sight
The Winterbringer--hark!

He pauses here to muse a space
Upon a tree of extraord'nry grace
Then leaves it rimmed in frosty lace
The Warden of the Snow.
He turns to go--but then is still
He stops in silence on a hill
And to his icy heart, a thrill
As sunrise lights his work and will
With a brilliant gleaming glow.

Just another one

Today I stared into the eyes of a tiny boy with brown skin and big brown eyes. He stared back without a blink. No smile. Just a question. And I couldn't answer it. I couldn't explain to this tiny scrap of humanity why life had hurt him so bad. Why his uncle/father/relative sold him to modern-day slavers who abused his body and stole his soul before he even knew he had one to take. And the horrific injustice of it burned from behind my eyes down to my fingertips in a wave of white-hot rage. I would have given anything to have prevented what happened to him, and I couldn't. And it broke my heart.

I don't understand the love of God. I am only now coming to grips with how he can stand to allow the pain and terror his innocents suffer. To realize his heart breaks too. That his grief is so much more vast than my own. That tiny boy, He holds close to his heart. But I do not think I will ever be able understand how he can look into the eyes of the man who raped that boy, did unspeakable things, and in His love simply see another hurting child, hiding under the bed in terror of what he has become.

To see like God. To look "evil" in the eye and see the lost child behind the warped excuse for humanity. I don't know how to do this. But I begin to understand that to see like God is another step towards being able to love like God.

I want to see like God. I know it's painful in the extreme, and honestly, I'm not sure what I would find to do with my fury.

But I want this.

Ending

I'm restless.

My feet just won't quit roaming from room to room. From the radiant heat of the fireplace, to the warm kitchen, to the cold porch overlooking the wind-whipped valley. Last sunset. Last full night's sleep in my untouched room, just the same as I left it two years ago when I went to college. Last time to watch the stars come out from the hammock under the oak.

We change in order to survive here. Every turn of the sun is made up of lasts--last goodbye, last kiss, last chance to ramble around in the dusk on the ridge we live on. Standing here watching the last rays of sunshine paint the mountains with colors they can't claim during the day, the future isn't always clear to me, and it hurts.

I'm tired of endings--so tired. But I'm slowly beginning to understand that endings just make the beginnings more precious--and there are so many beginnings that I'm finding. New friends, new experiences, new pictures to put up on my wall. Instead of hurting over the goodbyes, learning to embrace the unfamiliar.

I'm trying. And I believe in the "hope and a future" that I was promised.

And the sunset tonight is the most beautiful one I have ever seen.

Requiem for Thanks

Cousins shouting
Dog got mauled
Mom plays rock band
Gram's appalled
Turkey won't cook
Turn oven higher
Computer crashed
Stove's on fire
Aunt sings loud
Discordant chant
Dog attacks cat
Who pees on aunt
Firecrackers lit
Smell like smoke
Tell the police
Just a joke
Shopping crowds
Avoid the mall
Curry was
A sorry call
Leaving now
The house is sold
Got to pack
Goodbye gets old


...
(more coming!)

Cling Tight

She looked down at him and thought
I can feel the storm inside you
And it feels like home
So much joy and fury wrapped in one infinite
Compact point of space
Elemental power held in two small hands
That hold my heart just as tightly
I never thought
I could love somebody as fiercely as I love you.

Addicted to Fall

It's addictive, this season. Cascades of leaves in a sharp pointy rain smelling suspiciously of memories, and cold nights where the sky dips down to kiss the earth with the barest tease of ice. The heavy sun and the slice of silver moon both get into your blood, one chillingly, achingly cold and the other heating every single nerve, both singing different songs in your veins.
There are no other night like these, are there? Nights when the dying full moon casts itself on the undersides of the wispy clouds, throwing shadows through the darkness above. Nights when it is so still that the stars don’t even twinkle, but steadily exist, sharper in their shining than cold white steel. The silence so absolute that a heartbeat echoes.
These are the best of nights, yes?

Halves

You whistle when they tell you that you’re not allowed to talk
And dance from place to place because if you can run, don’t walk
Stop your tracks and speech if, say, the sunbeams catch your eye
Other just can’t credit it—and you can’t explain why
Running just to run—there’s nothing quite like it, I swear
Leaping from a cliff to feel the wind whip in your hair
Sitting wrapped in stillness to bid goodbye to a full day
Or gritting your teeth to stick it out when you want to run away
Knowing when to speak and when the time for words is past
Too stubborn to give up a friendship if you can make it last
Dancing and spinning outward if you trust the hand you hold
And playing on the playground though they say that you’re too old
Serenading the crickets and the moon with your guitar
I’ve seen the many halves of you and, I like the ones you are.

Time Bearer

He slowly made his aged way
Towards me. He moved stiffly, leaning
On his staff; his hair was gray
I knew why he came, his appearence meaning
Another year of mine had passed away.

When I was young I strained my eyes
To see him, and it seemed he so slowly came
That a thousand years I lived from sunrise to sunrise.
My summers long, and winters just the same.
And I hardly noticed him in his oddly familiar guise.

But after several years of mine
I'd handed over, to send him on his endless walk,
I noticed that to a faster pace he was inclined
Slightly less eager to pause on his way to talk,
A new hint of sparkle in those eyes that had been blind

And as I danced through the passing years
Which he came faster to collect,
My steps slowed by many joys and tears,
His sped up. I began to suspect
That as my youth faded, his appeared.

As as my hair whitened his turned to wheat.
Steps as elastic as mine were slow,
And now our meetings were bittersweet
As he swiftly on his rounds would go,
My steps as shaken as they once were meet.

At the last I had no fear--
I walked to meet his child's self
To give to him the gift of my last year
And seeing him grasped that there I saw myself
But while mine were mostly blind his eyes, my eyes, were clear.

Foresworn

When death must come before dishonor
This honor bestowed to the unborn
Circumstances and all that follow
Leave only dead, or those foresworn

Like Eagles

The sky in your face
...Horizon at your feet
Hold tight to your courage
...'Lest it try to break
One step only left
...Between the edge and the sky
And yet you will find
...It's a step you must take.

An instant to pause
...A deep breath to take
The catch in your throat
...The rush as you fall
Singing the cold wind
...That pulls at your hair
Your heart in your eyes
...As you give life your all

The hard, jolting pull
...Like the sound of a sail
Feathers unfurling to catch
...The last light of day
And your heart lifts again
...As you rise on the wind
And your wings bear you
...Swiftly away.

Isaiah 40...for they will rise with wings like eagles...they will run, and not be weary...they will walk, and not faint...

Silence

Stripped of daylight's harsh conceit
In a lonely world, as I search for proof
That other tired hearts still beat
The pull of the moonlight is bittersweet
Where it flows in a pool above the roof

No soul disturbs the brooding dark
Except by need, or necessity
Only cat's footsteps to remark
As I search for proof that there's a spark
Of others alive in this midnight sea

Fugitive Dreamer

I too have felt a fugitive's fear
Terror of footsteps drawing near
A hunter's tread on the forest track
Bid you flee and not look back
'Lest your nightmare should appear

Beating wings and heart's distress
Pulled down to the earth to rest
Hidden deep in leafy mold
Protection not just from the cold
Above the world on the rocky crest

And yet, safety eludes the night
The woods below disgorge a light
Voices thunder from the dark
So sure are they to close their mark
Who silently gasps, shrinks out of sight

The crevice is cold, the wind whips high
Sequestered I hear my guardian die
They swamp the ledge--I hold my breath
Their heavy boots resound with death
One pauses, turns to catch my eye

Chilling fear snatches my breath away
Knowledge that I'll die this day
A single second left to act
Freeze still, my liberty intact,
Compassion, before he turns away

Still shocked to stillness by his eyes
My capture takes me by surprise
Assassin's hand a hammer sledge
Suddenly flung aloft from the ledge
Wings beating frozen starlit skies

Immortality

They rode off into the clear midnight
Into the sunrise, into the pouring rain
Towards a hard fight, a quick death
Or a victorious finish; this immortality
Had a hard grip on their souls
Whether for freedom, or true love,
Or the heady rush that only battle brings
Still, whatever the reason, they gave themselves to it
Gave in to fate, stronger than questions
Honor that cannot say no
But thinking, I wonder, did any of them regret…?

The young one, hands toughened but not yet
Stained with blood he has no right to
Looking back from his horse towards
The place he called home, the ones
He leaves for
The old one, bidding farewell to long summer evenings
And masses of laughing grandchildren
Scrambling to climb towering trees he planted
The strong one whose last sight
Was of his wife
Hands caressing the life she carries
Do they regret the path of immortality that
Carries them away?

I wonder how their stories ended
And I wonder how many of them returned
And, of those who did, how many
Decided immortality was worth it

One Shot

We only get one shot at this life
Only so many trips around the sun
Too many times to watch the sun set
And wish the day had just begun

A precious few days to take a chance
Only a few chances to take a bow
Tomorrow is the moment for that, right?
But the only one you're promised is right now

Only so many days, even less nights
To wait for the sun to rise again
And pray--thank God for one more day
Of sunshine and laughter and friends

Sing for You

I want to sing, but know my voice
Is not equal to the task you’ve set
And yet I’ll lift it anyway
Praising with my soul until my
Spirit dances free
To be one note of your joyous laughter
Echoing eternally throughout
The very arch of heaven, where the stars
Rejoice as well
Sometimes I cannot tell if they are shining
Or smiling or simply trying to show
An ugly world that
Though we feel alone, abandoned
Light will reign again
I breath “Amen” and throw my head back
Spread my arms to hold the day inside
But I cannot hide the way the sun
Reflects off of my soul
The joy that you made whole and new
And so
I'll sing for you

Lullaby for the Evening

Wake now, little wild thing
The sun has gone to bed, and we
Until the hour of daylight comes
Are loosed to wander free

To wander free, little wild one
To stretch and run, to greet the night
Shake the sleep from you, and then
Give in to your delight

Give in to your lively playfulness
Oh wild one so small
But don’t forget to wander home
When daylight starts to fall

Midnight Lullabies

Recently I found myself humming this beatiful little melody, so I made words for it and turned it into a lullaby.

Hush now, little love of mine
The night is still young
The moon is still rising, the stars haven't sung

Hush now, little love of mine
The moon lights your face
The night breezes whisper, the stars dance in place

Hush now, little love of mine
Blink the night from your eyes
The stars have all hidden to watch the sun rise

Perfect Stranger

This is from sometime this summer...not quite sure when.

A perfect stranger is flawless
As far as you can see
A justifiable perception
When outside reality
A sidelong glance and a cautious smile
Perhaps a quick “hello” after a while
To ease the silence when you meet
And familiarity will bring its flaws
Time counteracts unconcious deceit
Reveals quirks and ready laughter
And I’m happy now because
The perfect stranger became, in the end
No longer a stranger, no longer perfect
But a friend

I Tried

I tried to be honest, I tried to be real
But perfection was out of my reach
So I gave up completely
Turned my back on your presence
I tried to forget I could feel

But I sense you tonight
And I'm shocked that the stars can be so bright
When the night is so dark
Or perhaps it's just the black of my heart
The darkness I couldn't conceal
But I can feel again

I had wandered alone after I pulled away
Until my soul was small and chilled
Keeping my heart frozen hurt less
But the pain was relentless
‘Til you woke what I thought I had killed

So God, I'll be honest, and I'm scared to death
Here with my back to the wall
Face to face with my self
All my own inner demons
It seems that they're all I have left

But I feel you tonight
And I'm shocked that the stars can be so bright
When the night is so dark
Perhaps it’s not my heart
Could it be that the black wasn't real
For I can feel again

After so long can you blame me for pausing
A little afraid and slightly unsure
Is it true I'm not evil
Not alone or abandoned
Is it possible that I never was

I can feel, oh yes I can sense you now
All the brightness and sadness and love that you are
You’ve taken my pain and threw it so far away
So far, so very far

For I feel you tonight
And rejoice in the stars that carry heaven's light
Midnight will never be so dark
With this silver light in my heart
I'll never be alone in the night
It's all right--I can feel you again

Masquerade

Twirl me through this masquerade
Through flying streaks of color
Laugh behind some masks we've made
And cry behind the others
I'll catch a glimpse of what's behind
The truths your eyes conceal
So look, for who know what you'll find?
Search my face--I'm real
I'm done with leaving things to chance
Suprised I got so far
Dare with me to end this dance
Around who we truly are