I want adventure.
I've forgotten what it's like to stand on a beach at midnight and marvel at the unceasing rhythm of the waves, and the silver trail that the moon bleeds as it flees across the ocean. I miss watching the sun rise in the desert, achingly cold as it steals the stars away from the darkness. I want to chase back the night with stories around a campfire. I need to push to the top of a hard climb and feel the jubilant satisfaction of knowing that I can use my wits and skill to defy gravity. I want that hard, fey joy back. I need it.
To test myself against something that didn't come from a textbook. To marvel at something bigger than I am, and share that marvel. To be reminded that life is so much more complex and intricate and mysterious than this, and rediscover what is unique within myself. To just go, and be; something, anything, anywhere. To be alive.
Something inside me starts to die without this. I can't even define what "this" is--but one of my favorite authors said something along the lines of, "If I want to find my soul again, that means I need to go to the green, lumpy places on the map. That's where it will be." And I need to give my soul room to breathe, expand, remember what it feels like to wonder, and wander, without restrictions or reservations.
There aren't many green lumpy places around here. But there is ocean, there is desert, there are rocks to scale and shells to find and music to weave and nights to spend under the stars, far from where I sit tonight. I want this.
Five more days. Then I can cut myself loose--be free, even for a day or two, to become me again. I rather miss that careless, confident, cheerful girl in the mirror. I want to be able to lean forward, and brush the glass, and whisper, "There you are, again. Hi." I want to see her eyes glowing back at me, incandescent with secrets and fun.
Five more days. Then look out, world of mine. I don't know where yet, or how, but adventure calls. And I'm going to find it again.
"...walking the edge of the way
The world is supposed to be,
Just to be alive--
Gone
Off to places where the deep drum roll of the earth can be heard and felt
Through the soles of bare feet
Dancing to the song of the stars
Through the fire and ice of the Northern sky--
Laughing
Joining the crash of the waves on rocky coasts
Incessant rhythm of the sea
At once raging and calm,
Alone but never lonely--
Dancing
Together with the voices of the mountains
Responding to the music in the world,
Singing with heart's blood
And fierce joy in simply being alive..."
--March 2008
9 comments:
This is just lovely. I, too, am looking forward to the weekend.
I have never quite felt the same way, but a strange Byronic melancholy has recently sent me reeling into the woods.
I hear you for sure!
Yep. And Rob, I've wandered in the woods more than I care to admit. But this weekend, (barring something better coming up), I am getting in the car on Friday, and driving west--and I don't expect to be back until Sunday. I am so gone.
girl, I totally got ya... totally! hope you had a good weekend.
That sounds like an excellent plan. Just . . . just don't wander until you become Alastor from Shelley's poem because he dies in the woods.
And make sure you don't become that guy from 127(howevermany) days because he chopped his arm off. Tell someone where you're going.
I realize all this advice is late.
BUT
It's still useful.
Perhaps almost as importantly, if you find people bowling in the woods, don't drink the stuff they give you. Especially if they're giants. Oh, and definitely don't use the sound of bowling as a lullaby.
No worries, lovely people, I'm not going by myself, not this time. :) Although I would have no qualms about doing so. I've been doing it my whole life and while that's definitely not a reason to be thoughtless, it does mean that I'm probably not going to wander into anything stupid. But. I won't be alone. So everybody can take a deep breath!
THANK HEAVENS
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